If Only I
by Gaga Pomodoro
Summary: Mixed seasons 2, 3, 4 and 5


Another work day as usual to everybody at the 12th, but seemingly, no one in the house was even bothered by the absence of a person that counts in to the great team of detectives of that precinct. Everyone else was minding their own business, making their time worthy for work, moving within the schedule just as planned.

Murder cases still keep coming through the door and are given to individuals who are living through investigating, but no one knows, neither aware of what kind of case they will be getting. It is indeed a mystery though, but unfortunately for Beckett, she must have not gotten along with the case she received. She kept telling the boys how much solving the case annoys her, but she's got no luxury of choice to escape from it, gotta shrug it out.

The case focuses on a death of a female publisher by strangulation. After looking into the vic's background, they learned that the victim worked with really known authors, best selling perhaps. When Kate was scanning through the list of people whom the victim had interacted with, she caught Richard Castle's name at number 15. She kept her face straight upon seeing it, though it was obvious that she was surprised and a bit worried at the same time, because in the list, it says there that he made a call with the publisher within the concluded time frame of her death.

Whether they like it or not, they have to pull Castle for interrogation.

The boys volunteered into fetching Castle. They headed straight to his loft, where they caught him hosting a "friendly" party. In spite of his party hosting, he still agreed to come with the boys without any declination at all.

They made it back to the precinct earlier than they all expected, Esposito as well as Ryan have been noticing something different, since they saw him once again after quite a long time. Esposito led the way to the box together with Castle, and Ryan was watching from behind through the glass. When Castle made two steps past the threshold, his feet stood frozen with eyes fixed blankly at the lady whom he would have asked to marry.

"Wow…" He mumbled to himself.

He was smirking until he got into the chair before Kate. It took maybe a minute and a half for Kate to concoct on something to start saying. She closed the folder, placed it on the table and with her two delicate hands over it and finally lifted her gaze to Rick. She sees the smirk on his face, but she lifted her right eyebrow as a response, but deep in her she finds it cute. Always.

"Mr. Castle…" Weird calling him like that, but he did not correct her.

"How are you related to the victim?"

"Just as you know, I'm a writer. She's my publisher."

With the looks of Kate, she definitely doesn't approve just that as an answer.

"That's all."

"Uhhhm… Okay." No further questions followed. Now why was she contented with his answer.

"We found that you had spoken with her 10 minutes before she died. Did you sense that she was in trouble that time?"

"No… Not at all! We were even talking about booking a restaurant for our dinner.

Kate was so confused, her instincts were saying otherwise, and that she believes, but it seems to be going a different way. Rick, on the other hand was still being stunned by this woman, thinking of all the possibilities that could have happened if chances permitted both of them. Kate remains a mystery to Rick, which he probably will never, ever get to solve.

"Withholding evidence could take you behind the cold bars of this precinct, Mr. Castle, and you know that! So, what is your relation to this woman, really?"

"Oh! Do I sense jealousy? I told you, she is only my publisher and nothing more."

"Have you had an affair with this woman?"

"God this woman knows me so well!" He thought to himself.

Castle caught enough breath and spilled out his total honesty.

"You know Detective Beckett; I am still not wearing off my longing to belong to my former muse."

Kate's heart clenched. Almost breaking into tears after the last word he had said.

"I- uh… I see."

She tried to catch a breath, clear her mind, and start back where she left off, but Rick was seeing all of it, her bewildered mind and as her mask washed off.

"Do you know anyone who would want her dead?"

"She's a nice person, uncomplicated, true, and transparent. In fact, many men would want to marry her or women make her their sister!"

It was like a slap on Kate's face with how Castle described their subject. He was complimenting this person as if she was the most admirable woman, and those words that defined the victim are considered to be the unusual ones from Mr. Castle to a woman.

She didn't even get those from him before.

The room was suddenly set in silence. Very silent…

"I missed you…"

The words broke Kate's thoughts from going deeper, and that she was caught giving Castle a blank innocent stare and completely lost.

"Oh sorry… I- I uhm, think we're done here. Yo- you are free to go, Mr. Castle." She stammered.

Kate stormed her way to the break room, instead of heading back to her desk and discuss what she had come up from the interrogation with the boys. Castle followed Kate's lead. He found her there making herself a cup of coffee as her eyes were pooling in tears. He went in to the room to check on her more.

"Hey…"

"Why are you still here Castle?" She blurted while sobbing through all the mess and wasted chances.

"Nothing… Just checking on you, or maybe on my coffee machine?"

"You know you can take it back if you want!"

"No, no… It's for the precinct. It's a legacy that I want it to keep and to be reminded of me." Jokingly speaking as though the coffee machine was bought regardless of Beckett.

"I think I should go now."

"Castle!"

"Hmmm?"

"Will you take me to the park? To the swings?"

"Sure." Affirmed with a smile.

When they made it to the swings, Castle started the conversation between them that he has been missing for two years with quite a surprise.

"I wish you were mine."

"Well I gave you a chance to make your move."

"But on the second thought Kate, I think I'm not the man you needed."

The words pulled her gaze pooling with tears.

"What? What do you… I- I don't get it."

Castle looked straight into those begging hazel eyes. And that it convinced him to fill out the blank in the question that had been set between them.

"Kate, I really wished you to be mine, but I don't see myself as the one who can live with you without dragging us both to the cliffs."

"No…" She gushed. Opposing to what Castle was foreseeing for both of them.

Her heart was being torn down even more as Castle's words echo in her head. He was hearing her little sobs and it kills him so much just like how his words are killing Kate. He had never made this such remarkable woman cry this much, neither see her cry because of what she did to him. It really hits his conscience so much.

He stood up, carried and cradled Kate in his arms and paced the pavements back to her apartment. She was so weak, helpless, and couldn't even afford to open her eyes, because tears flood from them unendingly.

As Castle makes their way to her apartment, Kate tries to loop her arms around Castle's neck, she would even cup his jaw and her warm breath soothes his craving skin. The collar of his shirt was totally wet, drenched by Kate with her sorrowful tears.

Finally, they are in her apartment. He gently laid Kate on her couch, sat beside her and placed her head on his lap. Tears still drop but not as much as they were a while ago. Castle combs Kate's hair with his manly fingers and clears out the tear trails on her cheeks.

Kate finally opened her eyes. At first, it was all a blur but not for long. As her eyes clear out, she finds Castle's face over hers.

"Castle…"

"Hi…"

"I'm sorry for being me. It's just that things suddenly came down all on me."

"I understand. I have forgiven you long time ago. In fact I don't take it against you."

"Don't leave me, okay? Be my partner again."

"I won't leave you anymore."

"Would you still want me to be your muse?"

"Yes… And always."

A radiant smile grew on her face, which Castle has always loved to see. He descended his lips closer to hers, and kissed Kate very gently and slowly. He sought for this thing to happen, and chances are, that he is one lucky man to have this lasting for eternity.

"I love you Kate."

"I love you too."


End file.
